To Have or Not to Have?

     I know I owe you all a post on how to build a library and I promise I am working on it, however there is something important I want to talk about and isn't that what a blog is for? I want to talk about kids and this horrible habit well meaning people have of putting their noses in some VERY personal business, kids. Specifically the having of said children.

 People Without Children

     When you have been married for a year or more it is not uncommon to start hearing the question "so when are you guys gonna have kids?" It seems like a fairly innocent question, but is it? Would you answer if someone asked when you plan to have sex? No? I am shocked! You don't want to talk about your sex life with people, but isn't that EXACTLY what you ARE asking them to do? Babies are not delivered by storks people. Asking when are you going to have kids is a lot like asking "so when are you going to have lots and lots of sex." To someone who is not currently thinking about having kids the question is extremely invasive.

     To further this point you have no idea what is going on with the couple you are asking. Maybe one of them feels ready for parenthood but the other partner isn't ready to give up Pants Free Friday or doesn't feel they are ready for parenthood. You could be bringing to the public a point of contention between the couple which is just as not cool as asking when they are going to have sex. It is also possible that both of them know without a doubt they don't want children. Maybe one or both of them have health or mental issues they don't want to pass on to their children. Or maybe they just don't like kids. Don't get offended kids are not for everyone. They are messy, loud, unintentionally rude, and take up all of your time. If someone KNOWS they are not equipped to handle the chaos of being a parent good on them for knowing themselves. What is more tragic choosing not to have children or having kids and secretly resenting them?

      And speaking of tragic what if they are trying and just not able to? When you ask this question you could unintentionally be rubbing salt into a wound. I know when me and Papasaurusrex decided we were going to "stop not trying to have kids" (yes that is what we called it, and I will explain why in a minute) we didn't make a public announcement. We kept things very quiet. Why? I have PCOS which can make it very hard if not impossible to have children. If we couldn't conceive I didn't want the to add public shame at my failure to our private heartbreak. We got extremely lucky. After 9 years of no oopsie pregnancies and several doctors telling me it would be harder and harder to conceive as the years passed we got pregnant in the first month, but not everyone is so lucky. But you can see where this question though well meaning was always a sting to my pride.

People With One Child

     When you finally have a child there is a small part of you that breaths a sigh of relief. You will no longer have to answer the dreaded "when are you going to have kids" question. You are now part of the parent club and barring tragedy they can't kick you out. You get an awesome little being that you get to watch and teach and mold into a full fledged person. There really is no way to describe how amazing being a mom is to me. But let's be honest for a minute moms and dads. As rewarding as being a parent is it is also hard, often beyond disgusting work that doesn't actually end until you are dead. Stop fooling yourself into thinking it ends at 18. Once you are a parent you are a parent for LIFE. You will always worry about them, be there for them, and be ready to bury the body of the jerk who broke your babies heart. But before you ever get to that stage there is cleaning up puke, washing poop off of their backs (sometimes the walls), having them wipe boogers on your bare leg because you took too long getting a tissue. There is the fun stuff too: playing with them, snuggling, discovering you can teleport across a playground to catch them before they hit the ground after they walk off a play structure. It is the most incredible journey we will ever go on. This parent club is pretty great.  

     Well right around Cutes Patoots first birthday the "when are you going to have another one" question started. Now that she is two and a half it is getting more frequent. Besides the return of feeling like I am being asked about our sex life (sometimes by complete strangers) I often feel they are asking me to give something precious up. Having another child will irrevocably change our relationship with Cutes Patoots. She will no longer have our undivided attention, leaving the house will take even longer and more planning, everything gets more complicated and we all lose the current dynamic. Call me selfish if you must but I don't want to lose what I have with her. I love that she can be the center of our lives. Would I love another child just as much? Probably but they too will never get the part of me Cutes has. For me it is not fair to her or the second child. 

      Also  I HATED being pregnant and I do mean hated. I hated waddling. I hated not knowing for sure if I still had feet or if I had actually managed to shave my entire leg or just patches of it. I hated having to have Papasaurusrex line my sandals up so I could put them on and still managing to mess it up. There were 50 million things about being pregnant I didn't enjoy. For me it was like eating a huge box of stale Cracker Jacks but with a much cooler prize in the box so to speak. By the end of my pregnancy I was ready to do jumping jacks if it would get the baby out. I am not sure I am willing to go through all of that again. And lets be clear I did not have a complicated pregnancy. I don't know what I'd have done if I had been put on bed rest. Some of you will call me crazy but giving birth was less painful to me than the proceeding 9 months. No seriously. If I could just give birth and skip the pregnancy part I would be far more willing to consider having a second child.

     When I tell my friends or well meaning strangers that we are not planning to have more children I am then inevitably told "It's easier with two." I am onto you parents of multiples. I figured it out. The "it's easier" line is a joke for those with only one kid. The punchline is when they have a second child and it is in fact NOT easier, it is just different. Yes with the second child you don't have the same learning curve. If we choose to have a second child I wouldn't need anyone to teach me how to change a diaper, there are things I would add/not add to my registry this time, tricks for getting them to sleep/brush their teeth/etc, but the fact remains you are now responsible for TWO little people who don't fully understand how dangerous the world is or how gravity works. I will need to not only employ my new teleportation superpower on a daily basis but also learn how to be in two places at the same time. I don't see how it will be easier and over the last 2.5 years I have learned when other parents make promises of things getting easier what they actually mean is they get different. I have yet to find a single stage of Cutes Patoots life to be easier than the last. It's a lot like the highest stake video game on the planet, each level gets progressively harder but old obstacles no longer phase us. In that regard it does get 'easier,' but overall it just gets different.

People With Three or MORE

     This is not a problem I have personally (so this section will be short) but I have witnessed it. Mom's with one or two kids whispering on the playground about the family of five, making snarky comments about birth control. Hey I have been the one to make snarky comments to myself or my husband but I recently reset my own thinking. how unfair that I want people to respect our choice to have just one, but we have a hard time respecting those with more than two kids. Here is the thing maybe that mom LIKES being pregnant and loves having babies. Maybe they WANT a huge family. Maybe they were all surprises but honestly 3, 5, 19 as long as a couple can support each child's physical and emotional needs it really is no one's business how many children they have.And if you happen to  have a toddler you might want to shift your attention to what they are doing and enjoying the choices you have made instead of making comments about another family's choice.

Conclusion

     In the end choosing to have or not to have kids is a VERY personal decision. Choosing how many kids to have is an equally personal decision. A person or couple is not selfish because they are not willing to give up being able to grab a backpack and go traveling through Europe on a whim to become a parent. I actually feel very strongly that it is a wise person who asks if they are willing to sacrifice being able to just go without a plan, give up their body at least for a time, and be completely responsible for another person. Because if the answer to any of those questions is 'no' they might want to reconsider having kids. We swore having a baby didn't have to change anything. We were naive and foolish. It changes EVERYTHING. I would do it a hundred times over to have Cutes Patoots, but I am not sure I want to do it for another child. Neither of us are.

     The kid questions are extremely personal. I really think we should stop asking them. They are often used as small talk but a couples sex life should not be idle chatter. You could be hurting their feelings or putting pressure on them to do something they don't want to do. Every person feels their life is fulfilled by different things. Next time you feel the need to ask "when are you going to have kids/another one" pinch yourself and talk about the weather instead. If you slip up and the words leave your lips accept their answer. Don't tell them "they will change their mind," "it's easier," "Have you tried X brand of birth control." They have heard it all before. If you want someone to respect your choices in life it starts by accepting theirs. Remember families come in different shapes and sizes.