Play and Delays

      We all have moments where we worry about our child's development. Somewhere in between the diaper/pull-up changes, potty training, sleep training and retraining, cooking their favorite meal only to find out it changed five minutes ago, and cleaning up poop we all worry about it. And yes I do mean ALL. You know that perfect mommy blogger's posts that made you feel like you and your child were just ineptly stupid because her kid potty trained in 30 minutes? She worries about her child's development. Oh what about that friend who bragged about how her 2 year old can count to 273 while hoping on one foot, blind folded through a ring of fire? Especially her. She not only worries

about hitting milestones, but hitting them early and not only that but chances are while her little one is miles ahead in one or two areas of development there are other areas they seem to be lagging behind. Even I worry about Cutes Patoots milestones. I could give you about 103 different examples but let's talk about counting. Several months before she turned one Cutes was easily counting to three. Fast forward about 8 months and suddenly she started counting "1,10, 11." Meanwhile I hear other kids her age counting to 20. So I immediately start trying to fix this. I start counting to her all the time, I correct her EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. she counts, I buy dollar book after dollar book about counting and numbers, we count in books where there is no counting, and still she counts "1, 10, 11." I began to wonder if there was something wrong. Then one day I was doing dishes and she was laying on the floor trying to coax the new puppy out from under the couch and I hear her count, clear as a bell, no hesitation "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7." I start inching my way into the living room. "8, 9, 10." I am standing right behind her. "11" she starts to say twelve and then looks up and hastily says "1, 10, 11." She knows how to count but clearly she derives some perverse pleasure in making me think she can't. She does the same thing with colors, deliberately mis-identifying them. It drives me to the point of insanity. So trust me I know your pain and keep in mind these are just two examples. I look forward/dread Well Child visits because they help to mellow my moments of "Oh my God she is missing milestones and falling behind and she will never catch up and IT'S ALL MY FAULT! We will get her the best therapy we possibly can but how could I have done this to her!!!!!!"

    Yeah it spirals out of control rather rapidly doesn't it? I think it is all those imagined mommy wars and poop fumes. Really kills the brain cells. But those Well Child visits  get fewer and fewer as your child gets older. Cutes Patoots is now down to just one a year. That leaves a lot of time for me to drive my self nuts and so I go to Google and Google gives me milestone check lists but they aren't quite right because the cover the whole range of 2 or 3 and when in a year do these milestones occur? Seriously you could drive yourself insane. I do frequently. The thing is though children develop at their own pace and sometimes a milestone they "should" meet is just not on the agenda or possibly unnecessary. For instance the charts say Cutes should be asking questions, lots of them. She doesn't very often use question words though. She asks with a few words and a head tilt. Or she just waits patiently for me to tell her what something is or what's going on because I have always explained things to her and not left her in the dark. When I asked the doctor about it his response was "well she doesn't need to use the words." She now of course will use her question words because I have started asking her to identify things first and if she doesn't know she will say "whas' dat?" There was a good solid month though where I counted and watched for questions. I convinced and unconvinced myself she was fine about 100 times, and I know I am not the only one who does this.

     I have been thinking to myself there has to be an easier, less neurotic way to alleviate these concerns that doesn't involve going to the doctor for reassurance (which doesn't even always work.) Well mommies and daddies there is. It is so stupid simple too that we often overlook it. If you really want a good picture of where your child is developmentally watch them play. Don't play with them, just observe how they play  on their own. Sneak in the playroom when they sound busy, come out of the kitchen not just when it is quiet but when you hear them mumbling quietly to themselves. I can guarantee you if your toddler is anything like mine you will learn 100 times more about their skills and development than you will hovering over them. Kids are funny they want to please you and make you happy but they also want to feel like their own person. That is why it seems like kids develop skills overnight. It's not that this skill appeared suddenly. It's that they were practicing when we weren't looking.

     I am not telling you to helicopter parent, just the opposite really. Give them autonomy to practice their own story telling, to manipulate their toys the way they want to, if they have a phone or a tablet I actually highly recommend letting them watch some videos on YouTube. My daughter is in love with the Come Play With Me channel. It showed her new ways to play with her toys. Ideas that she hadn't previously thought of herself. Did I find these videos for her? No I set her up with the Doodlebops and she found this channel on her own and I am grateful. Not only does it mean she is learning to work the technology but the videos themselves have been very helpful to her development. Her sentence structure is becoming stronger and stronger as is her story telling ability. Now yes you do need to keep tabs on what they are watching. Cutes Patoots did manage to find a home birthing video and watch it. I discovered what she was watching about 2 birthing pains in. We did finish the video and hey I may manage to dodge the where babies come from conversation, but every now and then I catch her eyeballing my belly like at any moment I could have a baby. Educational? Absolutely. Was two and a half when I wanted her to learn about babies? Meh, not so much but she is a clever child and seems to have suffered no emotional trauma over the incident.

      We hear it over and over again that play is important, but as adults we forget how important because they stop letting us learn through play. Instead they prefer to tell us or have us read about what we are learning, but think about it when training for a new job you don't truly understand what you are doing until you get into and get your hands into the work. Play is just that for a child; it is getting their hands in and practicing the things they have learned. To aid them in this make sure their playroom or toy box has both age appropriate toys but also some that are maybe a step or two ahead of where you think they are. If they show an interest in something buy toys of that interest. We have Disney Princess dolls, Doc McStuffins, and My Little Pony. She also has a collection of dinosaurs, cars, and superheroes. Make sure there is variety and at the end of the day pay attention to where and how your little one's toys are arranged. I have long maintained that how I find things in Cutes Patoots play kitchen tells me more about her development than any Well Child checklist ever could. So next time you start to have that mini mommy panic attack just go watch how your child is interacting with their toys. If you still have concerns after observing them over a course of time and they don't seem to be making any progress THEN it is time to talk to your doctor. Remember those charts are based on an average age range and ultimately that average has little to nothing to do with when your child will reach them. Especially if you notice they are ahead of schedule in another area. Kids all have different interests and their own agendas. Those interests and agendas don't always line up with our own. As far as the charts are concerned the only thing toddlers care about is what they taste like.