Stuff = Love...Wait, WHAAAAT?

     Christmas has just come and gone. It's can be an exciting thing but there is also a lot of negativity involved in the holiday. People can get down right nasty to each other while spewing platitudes of good will toward all but that is a far more global issue than I want to go into on a parenting blog. My point is Christmas is not all fat men in red suits, flying reindeer, and cookies you eat at midnight while trying to assemble some plastic contraption with more pieces than a jigsaw puzzle. There is stress over impending family visiting. You have to go to the grocery store for milk? Well best to plan to be there for 3 hours because even supermarkets get crazy busy. Then your kid brings you a list of gift suggestions and you read over it and your eyes start bugging out as you tally the cost (thankfully I am not to the list stage yet but I can imagine). You want to get your kids everything they want but are confined by silly things like reality when they ask for a purple unicorn that farts rainbows or the bigger issue money. But maybe you are lucky and only have to worry about trying to find a horned horse that flaulates the light spectrum. If you are congratulations and I mean that sincerely. Over the holiday season I found myself flogged by posts about not getting your kid everything they want, don't let "Santa" buy the expensive gifts because another kid's parents can't afford to buy their kid an XBox, how getting your kid whatever they want will make them entitled. It is December 31st and I just saw another one of these posts and I am about ready to explode if I see another. It has started to tick me off not because I think entitling kids is a good thing, not because I disagree that kids should know their parents loved them enough to spend $400 worth of their blood, sweat, and tears to buy the kid something they wanted. My impending detonation has nothing to do with disagreeing with the sentiment behind the articles. No it is the superior tone these article all seem to take. You know the tone; the one that makes you feel guilty because maybe you were too generous and think "Oh my God I am RUINING my child!" Yeah I can't stand that.
     We are a single income military family. Neither of us came from money so to speak. We are in no way rich, but we do live comfortably and are able to provide Cutes Patoots with many of the things she wants as well as more than cover her needs. She is also blessed with a passel of grandparents who adore her. Seriously she wants for nothing. If there is the merest hint of a need it is taken care of. We are well aware how privileged we are. This isn't me bragging. I constantly worry that maybe she is spoiled because she has to do without very little. I came to a conclusion on Christmas Eve after scrolling through Facebook and seeing the pictures on my friends walls after Santa had come. Cutes Patoots IS spoiled. Despite feeling that we were very conservative (3 gifts per parent and then what her grandparents got her) she still had more gifts than some had under their tree for the whole family. I immediately felt BAD about what we were able to give her. Yes I felt BAD because we were clearly ruining our child.
     Three minutes later I came to another conclusion; no we weren't! There is a difference between a spoiled child and a spoiled, rotten child. Cutes Patoots while she does get most of the things she wants (I am not giving in on the bunny issue. Live rabbit? No thank you.), she isn't entitled. She IS however almost 2 and sometimes comes off that way. By and large though if we tell her she can't have something she may frown but will accept it and go on and chirp or sing "Let It Go." Yes despite getting what she wants a great deal of the time she will accept the N word (no for the toddler uninitiated)  as the final say. According to all of these things I have read though that isn't possible. So why does it work for our daughter? Here is why i think it works:

• When we say "no" Cutes Patoots knows we mean it. She may test it a little bit but in the end "no" means "no, no way, no how, not happening."
• She has rules. If she breaks those rules there are consistent consequences. If she starts mangling a book and is told to stop and doesn't, the books are taken up for a bit. Yes there is crying. Yes it breaks a part of our souls, but me and Papasaurusrex stick to our guns. In a little while she gets them back and low and behold is much kinder to them. In deference to her age we keep the rules simple and add to them as new situations arise, but the old rules don't change.
• And possibly the most important thing we also spoil her with our time. We don't just spend money on her. We also spend a great deal of our time with and for her. She is our priority. Her health, safety, needs, discipline, and future our top priorities. Even at not quite 2 she understands that things are interchangeable but our love for her is not. That our love is expressed in hugs, snuggles, kisses, actions, and words not the contents of her playroom. We adults seem to forget this. A playroom full of toys is no compensation for your time. If I got rid of all of her toys right now and gave her a box and some plastic bottles she'd be just as happy as long as I am will to still play with her.

     So whether you poop gold bricks or are barely scraping by the take away here is the same: stuff does not equal love. Stop flogging yourself and go spend some quality time with your kids. Watch the shows they like with them even if they grate on your last nerve, take them to the park and climb the slide with them, next time you are grocery shopping stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking about you and bust a move in the cereal aisle (toddlers love that). Have fun with your kids, create memories, and make sure they know that they are your foremost concern even if they aren't the center of the universe. When the time comes and you have to discipline them make sure they know it's because you love them. Kids are far smarter than we give them credit for.