Dad: What You Can Do

     So you've noticed (or maybe not noticed) your partner is not her typical self. There are  dark circles under her eyes, her steps are lagging, shoulders slumped, and she is very short tempered. So what's causing this? The long and short of it is having a baby is wonderful but it is also exhausting and if she is a stay at home mom chances are she isn't getting the breaks she needs. While you are at work (admittedly not fun) she is at home working (yes baby IS work), when you come home and unwind after a long day at the office she is working, even when she is sleeping mommy is on call. You would be surprised to know how many times your partner wakes up in the night just to check on the baby. Then there are those late night feedings and diaper changes. She may not even remember how to turn it off, and probably needs your help (with gentle reminders) to do so. But what can you do? You probably feel lost and possibly like she does things better.

Try:

• Offering to take the baby for a morning or an afternoon. If she has a tendency to as my husband calls it "mother smother" take baby out of the house so she doesn't even have the opportunity to involve herself in baby care. Tell her to read a book, take a bath or nap, stare at a wall, whatever she wants that doesn't involve baby or dishes. (Maybe she does what a chance to do chores without worrying over baby)
• Making dinner or doing the dishes, vacuuming or folding laundry. Taking care of a baby is a lot of work, but that doesn't mean that chores disappear. They still need done. Chances are mom is behind on her to do list and it is driving her crazy, but when she has a "free" moment she can't muster the energy to do much of anything. (Trust me when she chooses to nap, read, or just surf the internet instead of vacuuming she feels guilty. But the idea of a minute to herself is nice, and she is loathe to risk waking the boss.) So help a mother out and take a task or two off of her plate. Sometimes even just watching the baby so mom can cook without worrying over the baby is enough to make things look a little brighter.
• Beating mom to it. Papasaurusrex is good about this. If he hears Cutes Patoots movement alarm go off or hears her crying before I do he will go take care of whatever it is that needs done. Sometimes if I wake up, he will tell me to go back to sleep while he gets it. Beating her to it during the night might be tricky though. It seems like becoming a mom triggers some sort of super hero powers in a mom and she knows the baby's breath hitched despite being in a dead sleep and in a separate room. But beating her to it can also be a day thing. She spends a good deal of time jumping up and down changing diapers, prepping bottles, grabbing toys, etc, so if baby starts to fuss jump up and help your little darling out. It will be a big help to your big darling. If you don't know what is wrong and can't figure it out try asking your partner. She may have a few tricks up her sleeve that she'd be more than happy to share. If she tries to do it for you wave her off and let her know you WANT to help and to let you do whatever it may be.
• Don't change things or spring surprises on her (unless it is a surprise trip to the spa). Sometimes things happen at the last minute at work. You can't help that. However make sure mom has as much warning as possible that you have to work Saturday or have a business trip next month. If she is counting on having your help and then finds out she isn't going to have it at the last minute she is more likely to feel irritated, especially if you have know for a month but don't tell her until the day before. Keep in mind though she may need a reminder.
• Doing what you say you will. If you promised to take the baby or go somewhere with the family, do it. Don't back out. It becomes very depressing to always feel like you are not a priority. Baby is always the number one concern in the house for mom, make sure she knows she is one of yours. It's not always convenient and sometimes you are tired too, but if you said you would go somewhere or do something, go to the zoo for example, it is possible she is really looking forward to it. Backing out may not seem like a big deal to you, but for her it can be heart breaking.
• When you go on an outing with the whole family don't leave all the care to mom. It's easy to do when you go on a trip to the store, but try to make sure you do it too when you are hanging with friends. Mom needs time to be social with people that can talk and don't just cry at her. Most places have either a family restroom or changing tables in the men's restroom these days (If it's not out in the open check the handicap stall). If you are at a store that doesn't have these facilities but has fitting rooms grab something off a rack and use the bench in the changing room.
• Telling her to get out of the house and you'll take care of the baby. If she says she doesn't know what to do tell her to get a hair cut, a manicure, pedicure, splurge on a pair of jeans or a shirt that makes her feel pretty. Chances are even if she has lost the majority of her baby weight her pre-pregnancy clothes don't quite work for her yet. Her body has changed and she may need to rethink her personal style and things like grooming take a backseat to baby. An afternoon or morning with just herself to think about might be just what she needs.
•  Not making statements about what she is eating. This sounds stupid, but sometimes seemingly harmless statements like "Wow that's a lot of food," or "You're eating THAT," can come across in a way you don't mean them. Mom is trying to lose weight, yes, and can use help, but reminding her of calories can be damaging. There are several factors at play here. The first is she is not getting proper sleep (yes a good majority of things come back to this). Food= energy. So if she is especially tired she may be inclined to eat more to make up for the lack of sleep. Second, she may not seem active to you but caring for a little one can be just as calorie burning as going for a long walk or short run. All the up and down, the lifting, carrying 20lbs of stuff in a diaper bag it's a work out. Also if she is nursing she is making food for a second person which  burns quite a few calories on its own. Statements like these can put her off her food, or cause her to eat less than she needs to which can damage her milk. So even if she is eating more than you try not to comment. As long as she is making progress towards her weight loss goals it's all good. If she isn't making progress try suggesting taking a walk or going for a swim instead of making comments on her food intake. The exercise will more than likely lead to her making better food choices on it's own. And remember you have no idea what she was able to eat when you weren't around. Dinner could be her first meal of the day. Don't judge her food. It will just make her angry.

     Most importantly don't forget to tell her she is beautiful even when she hasn't brushed her hair in two days and is wearing gym clothes because she couldn't manage with anything else. She works hard, even if it doesn't seem like it to you, I promise you she does. Even an hour break with you taking care of baby can leave her feeling refreshed. Baby can't say thank you, but you can. So make sure you tell her she is appreciated because it is easy to think you aren't.